The Wild Call to BE who I am Becoming

I recently finished a ten-week course focused on incrementally envisioning a whole picture view of the life I want to create. While it helped me narrow down an impossible number of dreams, get clear on my values, form a supportive community and set in stone a stronger foundation for who I am becoming, I still lacked a certain sense of certainty upon completion.

A month or so later, I’ve found myself living abroad in Mexico with a broad & often changing idea of where I am headed and a fickle & fleeting sense of purpose. Still seeking direction & open doors. And beginning yet another course about imagining & becoming one’s ideal future self.

I’m not one of those hardcore self-development junkies, I promise. I just feel like this has been a really, really hard question for me to answer (at least in a lasting way that has me feel committed, clear & consistently driven toward my true north waypoint) — what do I want to do & who do I want to be?

This whole trip started with a moment of “divinely guided” inspiration during another kind of trip on Tepezcohuite – go to Brazil / the Amazon. It seemed such big a calling I chose to start with one step southbound.

So I set off to Mexico with an uncharted itinerary, an impressively small backpack and an idea of being & becoming an eco-activist. Someone willing to give their life in service of improving the planet for the good of all. Someone who fights for peace & changes the world by being that change.

I recognize that the places I’ve already visited (and the country I’ve left behind) are facing as many serious environmental, economic & political issues as this far off place of higher-guided aim.

But that aim felt like I needed to be on the frontlines of war in the Amazon jungle to expose: the horrific raping & irreparable destruction of land from logging & mining; pollution from chemical spills on the earth to extract gold; pollution in the water from chemicals used to break down coca plants & separate the compounds cocaine is derived from; mass clear cuttings & burnings of ancient forests that are contributing greatly to carbon emissions in the place that’s supposed to be negating it; poaching of threatened wildlife; and exploitation of impoverished locals.

I thought if I could somehow get in there to document this, prove it was happening & make the world more aware of these atrocities, that maybe it would effect change enough to stop some of this devastation in one of the most important & biodiverse ecosystems on earth. Then I was introduced to a guy online named Paul Rosolie who is doing exactly this already, and more. I humbly understood I didn’t have to be the one to do it all. And the possibility emerged to support & even join an existing force of “junglekeepers”.

And, simultaneously, countless other atrocities & injustices against human beings around the globe are being called for immediate action to defend against. It feels overwhelming to know how to help this burning world enough.

But somewhere along the way, it occurred to me that meaningful work in eco-activism doesn’t just happen in the streets as climate / human rights protests or in the courts to effect changes in environmental law or in risking one’s life to expose / interfere with big corp “shenanigans”.

It could, perhaps, happen right at home.

In an interactive demonstration that harmonizes humans with nature, as nature. Aligned with principles of respect, reciprocity, courtesy, cooperation & conservation.

Remembering at a core level we are all one.

It inspires an intentional living protest against the greed of mindless consumption our consumeristic & ever-dividing culture depends upon. And presents a lifestyle that is deeply rooted in community development, harmony, and investing resources in support of local artists, sustainable growers, ethical builders and wild medicine makers…

Which is what ultimately led me to this regenerative permaculture ranch an hour or so outside of my current home base in San Cristobal.

I felt this undeniable pull towards Rancho Lum Ha’. I just knew I had to be there.

I ignored my first intuition to stay at their Airbnb eco cabin because it was more affordable & seemingly easier to rent my current casita in the city for a month. A choice I have since come to regret, honestly. Especially when the incessant noises of fireworks/church bombs, traffic, construction, dogs & blaring music has me long for the serenity & solitude of mountains. Which is pretty much every day.

So when an ad for a guided tour popped up in the San Cris expats group chat, I jumped on the opportunity and slowly rushed to their adorable & typical hole-in-the-wall-style storefront in town to sign up.

A few days of excited anticipation & a bumpy car ride with five other women later, I found myself in my new favorite place in Mexico.

The group gathered in a circle with full mugs & kind smiles and began introductions. I was called on first & was so nervous to speak in Spanish with five sets of eyes on me I barely said anything. After everyone else’s substantially longer share of what brought them, we listened to Sebastian (co-founder) tell of his extensive life story living in many counties & amid various lifestyles; breaking from his familial expectations and eventually settling on this land & a middle way mentality to co-create not just a ranch, but a multi-cultural cooperative community space for solidarity, inspiration, imagination, education, growth and healing.

During the four-hour tour, I naturally assumed the role of a silent observer, taking in all possible input with each of my senses:

Actively listening to the Spanish dialogue & descriptions to translate what I could to piece together a sufficient understanding.

Feeling the soft clover cover, squishy mud, the occasional prickle & subtle grounding energy as I navigated the property with bare feet.

Smelling the cocoa-jasmine aroma of passion flowers, the herbaceous greenhouse basil, and the lingering scent of farm dogs on my hands because I couldn’t resist loving on them every time they came near.

Tasting the perfectly dark black coffee with raw honey & fresh nettle tea upon arrival. And the exquisite platters of toasted baguette topped with homemade pâté, rillettes, sausage, chicken tinga, and fruit compote for lunch.

And of course, taking in the visual feast of verdant, floral, fruitful abundance everywhere I looked.

Observing the way all of this felt in my body & soul, I realized very profoundly –

THIS.

This is IT!

This is who I want to be & what I want to do.

This is how I want to serve.

This is how I want to co-create a better world.

I want to be someone who tends to land in a regenerative & reciprocal way. Who passionately learns & humbly educates others how to do so. Someone who sees & shares the beauty of nature. Who nourishes herself & others on a body+mind+soul deep level.

Who lives a simple self-sufficient lifestyle I’ve been obsessed with since my early twenties. So much so it inspired my folks to uproot & invest most of their time & energy over the last decade to create a full-on homestead from nothing, in earnest hope of having a substantial & lasting inheritance to pass onto their children’s children.

I want to be someone who lives in alignment with my core values of creativity & freedom. And grow into my full integrity & prowess.

I’d love to make a life for myself, my own progeny and our community at large, of true fulfillment, safety, health, belonging and oneness.

And I fricken want to keep BEES so I can have an endless supply of fresh nectar within reach!

And so… here I sit, alone in my adobe casita loft bed, somewhat stuck but undeniably expanding. Feeling into a soft acceptance of where & who I am right now. Seeing that I still have a variety of different dreams & desires and maybe that’s okay.

And here I sit, finally allowing my open heart to answer the question instead of my mind — what do I want to do & who do I want to be?

An answer comes like a warm wave of truth I wasn’t quite expecting…

I just want to do & be GOOD.

I take a breath to let that simple sincerity settle deeply into my honey bones. Now that’s it.

Just do good & you will have succeeded.

Just be good & you will become all you’ve ever dreamt of becoming.

And so it is.